JASELLA THE SUPERNUT !

Yes , things has changed . It's like once upon a time .. and then comes a ending . Read __ blog a moment ago . Felt like i really changed . In fact people like the me in the past . The happy and cheerful one .

I used to have big dreams and motivation while i was still in it . I'm like a cup filled with clear plain water . However , just like little-bug __ polluted me . Hence i was contaminated . Filled with unclear water , my feeling got worst and was too emotional to carry on .

Who can i really share my secret with ? Someone who won't judge me for the things that I've done . The real story .. I decided to write it down .

2009 NP sec 1 camp was where i met him . Things got even closer when he lost his wallet that night and i went down to find him . Soon we started talking and became closer by the day . Feelings grow and soon the confession came in . 30Th April 2009 was one first date . It's the most important event of the day . It's kinda like a sin too cause we are in the midst of exams yet we still got time to date . That's funny . Just like any couple , watched movie then went to the beach . It just seems like we having endless topic to talk about . That moment was , in my eyes , prefect .

Yes yes yes , the honeymoon stage . To many people , that felt we shouldn't be together . Maybe their right . Oh well , as i was saying .. honeymoon . It was the sweetest moments of all . Days where we will made some surprises for another . Doing crazy stuff . Travelled around different places in Singapore . Go school together , go back together . Wait for one another after school . And he would never fails to wait for me . So much so he said i was his motivation , he is mine too . My motivation to be happy so that he will be happy too . Slowly , everyone was envy with the kind of love we have for each other .

Life isn't always fill with a bed of roses . Few months later , perhaps we have different things we need to commit to that drift us apart . OBS was the first test that we encounter . Insecure , fear , alone , sad and angry was thoughts that came hunting at me all day that time . It's like you love a person so much that you doesn't want to lose it . Thank god , he didn't break my heart . He stayed and made me feels that he really loves me . Then come a second one , third one and so on .. I start to open my ears and listen . Listen to all those things that people said to me before i got into relationship about how he is as a person . Stubborn as a cow , i choose not to take in , or even if i did , i fought with the theology behind it . Nobody is perfect so is he , i need to understand his shortcomings and love him for who he is . Which i know he did too to me as i wasn't perfect too .

But the twist came in . Np . Problems in Np arises . From a reliable source , he stopped loving me then as i was always the problem . Suddenly , my world was teared apart . In my heart i was thinking , why ? I'm not perfect too . As compared to all those stuff he did , is this so serious enough to made you stop loving me .

I know i changed , but hello ? Who don't especially going through so much . Soon i realised i can be his happy pill no more . Feeling starts to turn sour . Then came the KOREAN drama . Bang bang , it made things worst and things ended bitterly . And i was left with nothing more to say .

After taking sometime wrapping out my feelings , i found myself at the deepest valley . He left , so did my family follow by my friends and then studies . I'm no longer the star . No longer shinning brightly . Felt tired , really exhausted . Yet i can't help it but to worried about you . Like a hunter , i go around asking people to be there for you . Like a lover , i understand how you feel and how lonely you must be walking this . Like a nobody , i pleaded her to take care of you . Like a mother , i constantly scared you would skip meals . Like a guardian angel , i find all means to make you well to protect you .

There will always be alot of things behind the sence that the other party don't know . Maybe because i know of things you say and done for me hence my feelings was stronger towards you that i couldn't let go . I held on to you too much i guess .

Now , when everything seems unshaken , it's actually where it's gonna blow up again . I not sure if anyone will happen to pass by my blog including you . Friends , when the time is up , decision will be made . Just a piece of advice , If you still don't hold on to the things you really want , at the end you will lose it . For him , there's still time but not long .

In conclusion , you did bring me happiness . You taught me a lot and made me stronger in a way or another . Though there's things lost that i can't get it back but still , i won't blame you cause in the past you never did blame me once .

Thanks for loving me , making me happy , teaching me , giving me , spending time with me , be there for me , pampering me , making me feel safe , surprising me , hugging me , accompanying me , and a lot more .

I don't regret meeting you . I don't hate you . Someday , if possible , if it's fate . Maybe we will get back again like how we use to be , no quarrelled but many loves .

P.S i love you . Happy one year .

so both of us are mad for, nothing
fighting for, nothing
crying for, nothing
but we wont let it go for, nothing
no not for, nothing
there should be, nothing
to a love like what we got, oh baby

i know sometimes its gonna rain,
but baby can we make up now cause i can't sleep through the pain.
girl i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no i don't wanna go to bed, mad at you
and i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

oh baby, this love ain't gon' be perfect
and just how good its gonna be
we can fuss and we can fight
long as everything's all right between us
before we go to sleep
baby we're gonna be...

Things would never be the same .
How you want to be treated is how people will treat you .
What goes around comes around .
An eye for an eye .

All the above was what we commonly used .
Somewhat i managed to experience it all at once .

He used to pick me up for school .
He used to call me and text me all the time .
He used to meet me without fail after school .
He used to give me surprises .
He used to chat with me till mid night .
He used to sent long sweet messages randomly .
He used to care for me alot .
He used to get jealous with the slightest thing on earth .
He used to hugged me and held my hand .
He used to insisting of sending me home .
He used to make me happy even without a reason .
He used to only have me in his eyes .
He used to say i was his motivation .
He used to treat me like a princess .
He used to talk about future to me .
He used to go out with me .
He used to share ear piece with me .
He used to lean on me when he was tired .
He used to question if i love him .
He used to like the things i like .
He used to have the common things with me .
He used to walk with me by my side .
He used to look me in my eyes .
He used to be very patience towards me .
He used to push all the blame on himself even if it's my fault .
He used to pamper me with chocolate .
He used to make lunchbox for me .
He used to let me his shoulder when I'm tired .
He used to forbid me to be close to guys .
He used to study with me .
He used to do things with me .
He used to tell me everything .
He used to read my blogs .
He used to say things in his pm referring to me .
And ..
He used to said , I LOVE YOU .

It's was only till that night . When reality hit me real hard . The most hurtful things is not to know that you guy do not love you anymore . To me it hurt most when i know i was being ....
No doubt because of love i forgive and all i ask was him to treat me better to mend up the hole . Maybe he suddenly change but those words are just too hard and hurtful to take in . People's feeling is like a snowball it will accumulate .

Here comes the ugly fact . I get so paranoid when i sees you getting close to a girl . I'm upset with why am i treated differently . It hurts me most when i know that i just can't let go . No matter how much i force myself to ignored you i just can't . Irregardless how many time you push me away I'd thick-skinned and come back . I just keep on convincing myself that you still love me . However deep down my heart , there wasn't an answer to it .

Whenever i didn't call or text later it just meant i wanted you to call or text me instead .
Whenever i shunned away was because of seeking attention from you .
Whenever i acted happy i was actually hoping you'd laugh with me .
Whenever i said "okay lo don't meet" was just hint to make you said something that would make me stay .
Whenever i said I'm tired , i was waiting for you to lent me your shoulder .
Whenever i complaint about how loving other couples was , was because i want the loving you .
Whenever i offer my help to you just so you could notice me .

Maybe you're bored already .
Maybe you're done with me .
Maybe you're looking for another girl now .

I offen wonder what have i not done enough for this relationship ?

Do you take me for granted ?
Do you still love me like how you did in the first place .

The only thing that keeps me hanging on was because ...
You're the best boyfriend I've ever got .
Letting go is no longer a choice ,
because even if i have you i don't have your heart .

It just hurt me to see you sad or angry .
Since I'm used to giving in .
I don't mind suffering to see you happy .

I might not know what you really want now .
But i guess at least you would be happier ?

To people out there , stop envying other couples .
Cos you ain't know about what's inside .

Good times don't last .
Indeed they don't .

For now , i can just only hang on to those little fragments that has been left between us .
At the end , there is only 3 more months for me .

Cherish people , cherish things , cherish moments .
You might just missed it but it's never too late to start again .

Thanks for the memories .

2009 coming to an end soon .

The 3 things that i've regretted the most was ...
- Not trying my best to stay and choose to leave him .
- Not being able to balance out the time i have with my friends .
- Not being able to be smile to every single individual that i know .

The 3 things that i'm glad of was ..
- Being able to restored most of the things i've lost .
- Being able to found a new place to fit in .
- Being able to get the long lost family love .

The 3 greatest achievements was ..
- To do well for N level .
- To get most of my wishes being fulfilled .
- To have a guy that love me .

Looking back in times , definately i will find myself being stupid and foolish . However it was all these little tiny things that made me even stronger after the fall . 1 year indeed is not very long . In a blink of an eye , i'm now 16 finished and done with my secondary education . I'm glad that i am able to smile my way through 2010 .

The sun will always rises even after a storm .

To my clique : People , thanks for all the good and bad times that we shared . Thanks for lending me a shoulder to cry on , a pair of ears to listen for , a mouth to give advice to . With you guys , my years sure have been a fulfilling and fruitful one . On our last lap , without fails , you guys will cheer each other up to keep moving . And for the first time , there was you guys as my friends celebrating my birthday with me ! Terima kaseh !

To K & A : You guys was the one who made me gain back what i've lost back then in sec 3 . Though there was many disagreements with one another , we know deep down we're still friends . Somehow or rather , after going through all the dramas , i felt we have all grown a little bit more by the day . No doubts , there might be some intolerance here and there . Yet we never give each other up . Thanks .

To E149 : Firstly i'm sorry to let you guys down in one way or another . Just want to let you guys know that , i'm really glad to be a friend of yours . Appreciate for the things that each and everyone of you had ever done for me . The things that i have learned in this cell group and the memories i had will never be wash away . Once again , xiexie .

To honey : Totally salute you for everything . From loving to tor elating to understanding to caring to getting bullied to ______ ( fill in the blanks ) . I know it's not an easy job to tend a relationship . But still you didn't give up . I'm sorry if in anyway i've hurt you . With you there was always motivation in whatever i do . I didn't expect our relationship to get this far . Surprisingly we made it and most of y long wanted wish was fulfilled by you . Most importantly , you made me feel home . No matter how tough things might get , you would try to hold on to your emotion and spoiled me by saying it's no my fault and took all the blame . Just like how you pampered blacky ! You totally made me come to realised of many things . And learn how to look at things differently . With you i no longer fears of being alone . When you were soundly asleep while i was awaken by nightmare , a text and you will contact me to make sure i'm fine before you sleep again . If there is ever a bestt boyfriend award , for now at least you suit the title . ALIGATO HONEY !

To the rest : I might not thank you individually but everything that you did for me is significance . Thanks for everything pain laughter's sufferings happiness . You guys sure make my whole year a very happening one .

When book one was fully filled , then comes the second one .